Catholic Life Ministries

by Robert Fontana

I have never been one to read poetry.  When I do I usually need someone to explain to me what I am reading. There are some exceptions to this.  My daughter Mary introduced me to the poems of Mary Oliver.  I found them very helpful. Last May I made a men’s wilderness retreat where the  retreat leaders relied on poetry to help us understand the points they were trying to make. There efforts worked for me and encouraged me to try my hand at poetry to say more clearly and profoundly what I am experiencing in  prayer.  Here are a few poems for your Easter/Pentecost meditation:

I HAVE SEEN JESUS

“Although you have not seen him, you love him” 1 Peter 1:8

I have seen Jesus, I have seen him. Oh, not the Jesus in robe and sandals walking along the shores of Lake Galilee. No, not him. 

But I have seen the Jesus in my mother and father who worked night and day to feed and clothe their children; in my music teacher practicing, once again, to create a more beautiful sacred song; in the priest who listened to me with great compassion and gave me wisdom instead of reprimand; in my neighbors who gather weekly to feed our struggling neighbors in a pop-up kitchen; and in my elders who bear their aging pains with patience and face their approaching death with hope.

No, the Jesus who walked in history, who opened the eyes of the blind and ate with sinners and tax collectors,  him I have not seen. But the risen Jesus alive in his people, that Jesus I have met over and over again. And I “rejoice with indescribable and glorious joy” (1 Peter 1:8) for I love him and he loves me.

FOREST CALLING

Come home, Human, come home. You don’t belong to the concrete, the noise, the buying and selling, the endless arguing, the despair, the fleeing from life.

No, that is not your home.

You belong here with the symphony of birds, with the gentle wind and soft rain, with the towering trees and lush ferns.

This is your true home, Human, where waters flow, trees grow, flowers bloom, squirrels play, children run, lovers walk, and elders listen.

Come home, Human, come home to the forest where you will find rest, acceptance, and a healing place to unlock your caged mind and heart, and be free.

TRINITY

Draw me into the warmth of your circle, O Trinity.  Draw me into the intimacy of your sharing, singing, laughing, silence, and tears.

Draw me close, Abba, Jesus, Spirit. Draw me and all whom I love.

You do draw me into your inner circle, into your communion of life and love. You do enclose me in your friendship, trust, vulnerability, truth, and wildness of heart.

Holy Trinity, Great Mystery, Love Divine, cosmic and earthy, I sit in wonder and awe before your presence.  Draw me close to you that I might be set free from what does not matter and set afire for all that does.

Dear Readers, I asked a friend to write about his experience as an adult child of an alcoholic. What he writes about applies to any relationship with a parent who created a home environment of emotional unpredictability, secrecy, and/or shame.

Hi. I’m Tim and I am the adult child of an alcoholic. This is how you introduce yourself at a meeting of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA). If it sounds familiar, it is. ACA is a 12-step program similar to AA, but intended for those who were raised in alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional families. In my case, my mother was the alcoholic, but possibly more importantly my dad was an emotionally distant workaholic. A lot of his dysfunction was no doubt adaptive behavior from dealing with my mom’s addictions.

The name of the program is significant. It is not just simply that as a child you had an alcoholic parent and now you are an adult. Part of this condition is understanding that because you were inadequately parented as a child, you may be ‘stuck’ in some ways, hence becoming an ‘adult child’. The ACA recovery can apply to anyone who had a childhood where there was anger, neglect, dysfunction, abuse, or other addictions. 

Core to the ACA journey to recovery is “Becoming Your Own Loving Parent”. The program encourages that you identify within yourself 4 voices or personas: Loving Inner Parent, Critical Parent, Inner Teen, and Inner Child. Adult children acknowledge that their biological parents were unable to parent in a loving, supportive way that allows for healthy emotional development. 

The Loving Inner Parent can provide the acceptance and emotional support that we didn’t receive as children. The Critical Parent is the voice of shame. The Inner Teen and Inner Child represent the voices of various points of our childhood. Because of the dysfunctional parenting we received, there are parts of ourselves that are ‘stuck’ in childhood. The process of self-parenting is intended to heal the inner child and protect us against the Critical Parent.

I have only been following this path to recovery for several months. Like many of these journeys, it began with a crisis. Mine was dealing with crippling anxiety. My anxiety meant that weeks before what should be fun events, I would be so consumed with worrying about possible bad outcomes that by the time the event came, I would just be so glad to be done with it that I could find no joy in it. In seeking therapy, I learned that many ACA deal with anxiety. Our childhood experience of never knowing what family crisis would erupt leaves the impact of always being on guard and hypervigilant.

It is likely obvious that both the trauma of dysfunctional parenting as well as the journey to recovery have spiritual implications. Here are a few that I have found:

• Many of the steps in a 12-step program are about surrendering to pain in search of healing. We can’t begin to heal without accepting the nature of our condition, accepting that our parents failed us in some way, and acknowledging and making amends for our faults. To me, it follows the redemptive healing that Jesus accomplished in surrendering and accepting the suffering of the Cross for us.
• One fundamental lesson of ACA is how to love ourselves. Many adult children were not taught this by their parents due to their own illness. They heard instead that ‘they were in the way’, or possibly that the parent’s addiction was more important to them than their child. Our Loving Inner Parent teaches what the Gospel teaches: we are each worthy of love simply by being a human. In the same way that we can’t earn God’s love (or lose it), we have to be willing and ready to love ourselves. When I am anxious, my Inner Parent reminds me that God loves me, cares for me, and that all will be well.
• There is strength in community. When I hear the stories that other adult children share, I am really struck by the way that so many wounded souls walk among us. Like our faith journey, the path to recovery is an easier one in the company of ‘fellow travelers’. Even those who were not raised in dysfunctional families need to cope with the trauma of original sin. All souls are wounded and in need of compassionate, loving support. We see in both our faith communities and in communities of recovery Jesus’ loving presence in those around us.

The 12-steps traditions have variations of “The Serenity Prayer”. ACA’s version is “God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the strength to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.” ACA tend to be overly responsible, wanting to ‘fix’ or ‘save’ anyone in their lives that they sense needs it. This prayer teaches that the only one I can save is myself. With God’s help, I can reparent myself to let the healing begin.

If any of this applies to your childhood, consider attending a meeting. Most are available on-line (thanks, Covid!). They are very easy to quietly attend in order to become familiar with what the program offers. To learn more or find a meeting, see https://adultchildren.org/.

By Lori Fontana

You know about tulips. I think they are my favorite flower. Each fall, around early September, I buy or pull out of the storage shed the oddly shaped, gnarled orbs we call bulbs. They look dry and lifeless, with loose peelings of brown skin and sometimes a tuft of short, dark root tendrils. I loosen the soil in our garden, dig little circular tunnels straight down, and, one-by-one, place the bulbs inside. As I smooth dirt over each bulb, I wonder – what will this one look like? What color will it be? Because, usually, I have no idea which bulb is which, which is red or pink, white or purple – it will be a great surprise come the spring.

Then, with great hope, I wait…and wait…and wait.

The bulbs are out of sight, hidden in the earth. Through the fall and winter, they are covered over with fallen leaves, puddles of rain, a smattering of snow.

The winter months are so dark, so gray, so wet. It’s hard to remember the promise of colorful blooms. Our Seattle spring comes very slowly. We might have one sunny day in January; maybe one more in February. By March the sun might shine once a week. Yet the air is still damp and icy cold. But the tulips respond to the slightest touch of sunshine warmth. Forgotten over the long  winter, each bulb now stretches the tiny tip of a green leaf through the soil and into the weak sunlight of early spring.

At first, I hardly notice that the garden is coming alive. But then the tip of the leaf pushes further up; one leaf, then two and three. And nestled between them is the flower stem with the tightly closed bloom perched on top. The tulips grow at their own pace; and they keep their blooms securely under wraps until they reach full height. Only then do the buds begin to unfurl, showing the glorious colors of their delicate   petals, some rounded, some pointed, some ruffled or scalloped. The petals are bright and  luminous, catching the breeze and waving and bowing in the sunlight. What a wonderful spring surprise!

It’s very fitting that we observe Holy Week in the spring. As we approach Holy Week – the Passion, Death, and Resurrection of Jesus – I think tulips are a gentle reminder of the desolation and the glory of this painful, wonderful, awesome mystery. On the cross, Jesus gives his final gift. Through his passion and death, Jesus pours out his life in great love for us. At the end, he has nothing left to give – he’s given us his all. Taken down from the cross, Jesus is placed in the tomb, his tortured body hidden away in darkness, out of sight. His followers are left alone, bereft and drained of hope.

Symbolically, for Jesus’ followers, it’s winter in their hearts and souls: Jesus, whom the disciples believed was the Messiah, their friend and teacher whom they loved, is now lifeless, gone from their sight. All is hopelessness. The disciples cower behind closed doors, filled with doubt and fear. Quickly forgotten is the Jesus who turned water into wine, who multiplied loaves and    fishes, who healed the blind and the lame, comforted the mourning, gathered the children in his arms, and raised Lazarus from the dead.

Then comes Sunday morning. Mary Magdalen and her companions come to the garden, intending to anoint Jesus’ body. The first rays of the rising sun warm their faces as they approach the tomb where Jesus lies. And then, wonder of wonders! “An angel of the Lord…[had] rolled back the stone.” To the women, the angel says, “He is not here, for he has been raised just s he said.” Matthew 28:2, 5-6

Jesus appears to Mary Magdalen and others of his disciples. Over the next several weeks, Jesus appears to many believers and doubters alike. With the resurrection, many renew their faith in Jesus; many others come to believe. What was lost is found; what was hidden is now seen; what was dead is now alive!

In a very humble way, the tulip mirrors the Resurrection. The tulip bulb appears dead. It’s hidden away in the cold earth. In fact, it must lie buried in winter’s cold so that it can “rise” to new life in the spring. A small miracle: from the bulb which, when planted, appears to be wrapped in a drab burial cloth, bursts forth a magnificent flower rich with color and life.

From death to life! The miracle of the Resurrection. As we travel with Jesus through Palm Sunday to the Last Supper of Holy Thursday, to the Agony in the  Garden, through Jesus’ trial and torture, his Way of the Cross, his crucifixion on Calvary’s hill, his death and burial – cling to sure hope. Jesus’ burial in the dark tomb is not the final word. Easter morn will dawn, and with it the glory and colors of NEW LIFE.  When you see tulips blooming in gardens and on Easter dinner  tables, remember that death is not the end. For we who believe, it is the path to new life. What appears dead has new life in the promise of Jesus.

The lesson of the tulip is echoed in a line by Martin   Luther, the great Protestant Reformer:

“Our Lord has written the promise of resurrection, not in books alone, but in every leaf in springtime.”

Happy Easter!

(An imaginary conversation between Robert and young adults in college, some churchgoers and some not. In Part I, young people talked about the impact of being raised in divorced families and expressed their desire to avoid divorce in their futures.)

Robert             It’s not too late for you to prepare now to be successful later as spouses and parents. Think about it. What preparations can you do now to help you succeed later in love/marriage and as a parent?

YP1     Don’t marry a jerk! (Others yell out, “Yeah, don’t hook up with an a_ _ h_ _ _ !”)

R         Amen to that! But keep in mind that your moms and dads did not think the other was a jerk at the time they married. Maybe there were signs of problems that lay ahead that each ignored because they wanted so much to marry and did not want to have an argument.

YP1     My mom told me that she swore as a teenager that she would never marry a drunk like her own dad. But she did. She thought a baby and marriage would change Dad. It didn’t. She did everything to try to get him to sober up and be a good dad. He was a good dad when he was sober.

R         Thank you for saying that. There’s so much pain in your story. It’s sad but true: men and women raised in families who struggle with drug or alcohol addiction often marry a partner who has some sort of substance dependency. If your boyfriend or girlfriend has a regular pattern of getting drunk or stoned now, marriage and parenthood are not likely to change that. The same is true if he or she treats you really badly when there’s a conflict – name-calling or a prolonged “silent treatment,” throwing things, etc. Moving in together, buying a house together, having a baby together and/or getting married will not usually change that behavior.

YP2     My girlfriend wasn’t a jerk; we just couldn’t get along after moving in together. She didn’t like how I stayed up late gaming; I didn’t like how messy she was. She didn’t like my work hours, and I didn’t like how she wouldn’t talk to me when she was mad. So, we broke up.

R         Too bad you broke up.

YP2     What? How can you say that?

R         Well, from what you told me, the two of you were learning some important things about each other. You were learning how different each was from the other. You just didn’t learn how to accommodate your differences so that the relationship could survive and thrive.

YP2     We were like two people playing tug-of-war.

R         Many of your parents who divorced probably started growing apart for the same reasons.  They were bumping into each other’s differences, which resulted in conflicts that they never learned to resolve. They didn’t have the tools to work through their differences. You see, you and your girlfriend had an unsolvable problem, as does every couple in the universe. You are not your girlfriend, and your girlfriend is not you!

It’s been documented by exhaustive research that 70% of all conflict between a couple has little to do with big moral issues such as, “Are we going to cheat on our income taxes this year?” or, “Shall we trash the neighbors’ yard?” Most conflict between two people in love comes from their having different histories and life experiences, different emotional temperaments and communication skills, and different expectations of the relationship. And when they bump into these differences, they don’t know how to negotiate them and find some common ground so that the relationship wins.

YP3     What do you mean by “the relationship wins?” Doing whatever my partner wants so that we don’t have a conflict? Dad tried that. “Happy wife, happy life,” he would say. That worked for a while. Then a little thing would set him off, and he would explode with anger.

R         Great question. Denying my needs in this relationship and giving in to my partner’s is a recipe for my feeling hurt, unimportant, and resentful. For “the relationship to win,” we both have to make our emotional needs clear on any particular issue and work for common ground where we both get something we need. In my own marriage, when my wife and I each learned to say, “I won’t win at your expense, and I won’t let you win at my expense,” we began learning to resolve our differences. The relationship “won” because we were learning to trust that we had each other’s best interests at heart.

Now this may seem a bit odd to you all, but what we really learned was to seek “unity” in all things.  By seeking “unity in all things,” in how we spent money, with cooking, work commitments, time together and time apart, we were able to resolve one potential conflict after another. Unity doesn’t mean “uniformity.” I will never be my wife, and she will never be me.  After 45 years of marriage, we are still night and day different in many aspects of our personalities.

YP4     That sounds beautiful…and impossible. 

R         It is beautiful, and it is hard…and it is possible! Think about this. You are training right now to succeed in a particular career or area of work. You are not learning everything you need to know to succeed in these occupations, but you are laying a foundation on which you can build as you grow into your career. Can you also intentionally practice skills now which will help you succeed later in marriage? Since time is almost up, let me give you a list of skills you can develop now to succeed later as spouses and parents.

1. Learn to grow in self-awareness. Take time each day learn about yourself, what you like and dislike, and why. Journal your thoughts. Pay attention especially to times when you have been hurt by another or when you have reacted strongly to another. Examine why you responded the way you did.
2. Learn to listen to others for understanding. Work at listening without the motives of winning an argument, rebutting the speaker, or proving the speaker wrong. Especially with others with whom you may not have much in common, practice listening for the purpose of understanding. Remember, you can understand someone even if you don’t agree with what he / she is saying.  
3. Learn to validate another’s emotions. This is part of listening. Look for the emotions/ feelings behind the words. This is important because emotions drive behavior. By naming the feelings that are being expressed, the listener can convey care and a deeper understanding of the speaker.
4. Learn to grow in friendship (especially with a romantic partner). Learn to share your likes and dislikes with trusted friends; and listen to their likes and dislikes. Identify how you are similar and dissimilar. Practice finding common ground. (By the way, friendship between spouses is one of the key ingredients for a lifelong successful relationship.)
5. Learn to resolve conflict by seeking common ground and unity with another person.
6. Learn to forgive and ask for forgiveness. There are no perfect relationships. We do hurt one another despite our best intentions. Sometimes forgiveness is what’s needed to heal and move forward in a relationship.

By Robert Fontana (An imaginary conversation between Robert and young adults in college, some church-goers and some not.)

Rob     Here’s my question for you. Gay or Straight, will you succeed as spouses and parents whenever that may be?

YP 1 (young person)  What? That’s a crazy question. I’m not even thinking about being married or becoming a parent. Now, living with my love interest? Maybe.

(All the other YPs join in with “Same here!” and “Me too!” and “I just want to have some fun.”)

Rob     Oh, I hear what you’re saying, but let me ask you this. How many of you see marriage and family in your future? 

(Most hands go up.)

Rob     Great. How many of you who raised your hand hope to get divorced?

(There’s a pause…then a dozen or so hands go up; young people are laughing.)

Rob     Oh…of course, a few of you are planning on getting divorced, but the majority of you, should you marry, are expecting that your marriages will go the distance, “till death do us part.”

But the truth is, if current patterns hold up, many of you will get divorced: between 40-50% of non-church marriages end in divorce. This rate is going down especially among the middle- and upper middle-class couples, while it is going way up for couples raised in poverty. For couples who participate in church, about 28% of Catholic marriages and 33% of Protestant marriages end in divorce. Not a very good percentage, but better that the general population.

YP 2    My parents divorced when I was 13, and it totally sucked because they kept on fighting. I was caught in the middle and couldn’t wait until I could get out of both homes and be on my own. What’s sad is that now both my parents express regret that they didn’t get the help they needed to work things out. 

YP 3    My parents never married and broke up before I was born. But they were nice about it. I was raised in two separate homes all my life. I don’t want that for my kids, but it wasn’t that bad.

YP 4    My dad was a raging alcoholic. When he wasn’t drunk, he was kind and funny. But once the drinking started, which was usually every weekend, our home was a nightmare. Mom and Dad fought like cats and dogs until my dad broke my mom’s nose one night. That was it. Mom left, took us with her, and we never looked back.

YP5     My parents just could not live together. When the divorce was over, they stopped fighting. Each remarried. It wasn’t bad. I like my stepparents, but I don’t want divorce for my kids.

Rob     My goodness. What pain all of you went through! Thank you for sharing your stories. They are all so different, and yet they have the common thread of parents who did not succeed in marriage nor provide a stable homelife for you.  

Will you be different?

(Pause.)

YP 6    I’m never going to get married. I’ll live with someone who I think can be an honest and loving partner, but if things get weird, I’m out. And no babies. I don’t want any kids to have to go through what I went through when my parents divorced.

Rob     That makes sense. Your own experiences tell you that being locked in a marriage keeps a person trapped when things go bad. You want the flexibility to leave when you need to. Having children is not a desirable option.

(Speaking to all present) How about this: describe a successful marriage.

YP 7    My mom and dad have been married…ah…well since before I was born. They are each other’s best friend. They have a lot of fun together. Church is important to them which gives them common values and friends. They do argue but there is never any fighting, no name calling and no hitting. And, as far as I can tell, they quickly make up.

YP 8    My parents had a difficult marriage until my dad went to AA and sobered up. Afterwards, they made a Marriage Encounter weekend, and it turned their lives upside down and ours too. Before sobering up and Marriage Encounter Mom was like a single mom. Afterwards dad has shown up for everything. We would eat dinner as a family, he came to our games, and we had a weekly family night that was alcohol-free and fun. Mom and Dad seem to love and trust each other. Thank God.

Rob     Great stories. Listen to what you are saying. What are the elements of a successful marriage? You’ve named friendship between couples, trust, sobriety, common values, spirituality, friends who share your values, and being able to argue, without escalating to fighting, and  then reconnecting.

There is no reason that you cannot have a successful marriage and family life. But you must prepare now if you want to succeed later. 

You know this is true with other areas of your life.  How many of you are preparing now to be successful later in a specific career? (All hands go up!)

How many of you who played high school sports started in sports as a five- or six-year-old?

(Lots of hands go up.)

Y4        I started playing soccer when I was three. 

Rob     Of course you did. Your parents were preparing you to succeed in high school sports by having you begin developing the basic skills for success years earlier. They did the same thing to help you succeed in college by reading to you from the time you were born, and they probably sent you to a pre-school.

It’s not too late for you to prepare now to be successful spouses and parents later. Think about it.  What preparations can you do now to help you succeed later in love/marriage and as a parent? (The focus of Part II.)

The St. Joseph Angelus

Leader  The angel of the Lord said, “Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary your wife into your home…

All  … for it is through the Holy Spirit that this child has been conceived in her.” Blessed Saint  Joseph, husband of Mary, come to my aid, especially in times of anguish and difficulty.

Leader  “She will bear a son and you are to name him Jesus…

All   …because he will save his people from their sins.” Blessed Saint Joseph, husband of Mary, come to my aid, especially in times of anguish and difficulty.

Leader  “Behold, the virgin shall be with child and bear a son…

All  … and they shall name him Emmanuel, which means ‘God with us.’” Blessed Saint Joseph, husband of Mary, come to my aid, especially in times of anguish and difficulty.

(Conclude with Grace if prayed before a meal or with the following:)

Leader: Let us pray. All: Pour forth, we beseech you, O Lord, your grace into our hearts; that we to whom the Incarnation of Christ, your Son, was made known by the message of an angel, may by his Passion and Cross be brought to the glory of his Resurrection through the same Christ our Lord. Amen.

By Robert Fontana

Lent challenges me to do what Jesus advised: take the “beam” from my eye before I try taking a “splinter” from someone else’s eye. (Matthew 7:3-5) And this Lent, I’ve decided that jigsaw puzzles are going to help me (and us) do that.  

You might ask, “Just how is doing a jigsaw puzzle helping me take “the beam out of my eye?” First, working on a jigsaw puzzle demands paying attention to details (not an easy thing for me). It’s a quieting exercise that requires slowing down and searching for shapes and colors that connect. There is also a beautiful intimacy to it. Lori and I sit next to each other. We help one another out, cheer each other on, and commiserate together when it seems impossible. And then, we continue on, searching for shapes, contours, colors, and little images or markings that will help connect one piece to another.

The slow work of doing a jigsaw puzzle resembles the slow work of taking a “beam” out of my eye. It begins with paying attention to me, to what happens to me while I interact with life, especially with people. I notice my reactions, try to step away from judging others, and examine my responses, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

I remember the first time that this happened to me in a big way. Right out of high school, I was doing volunteer work at a Catholic parish on a Navajo Indian Reservation. I had never been west of Dallas, Texas, never knowingly talked with Native people, and was pretty full of myself as a devout Catholic, ready to share the Catholic faith. I was taught, and believed, that  Catholicism was the one true Church; and I was ready to tell others about it.

Arriving at the parish, I discovered that we Catholics were only one of many   Christian churches competing “to help” the Navajo people. I saw an Olympic-type competition among the many    denominations to draw the Navajo children to THEIR vacation Bible school. Driving our van to pick up   children, I was on high alert dodging the other church vans doing the same thing. Pentecostals, Lutherans, Presbyterians, Jehovah Witnesses, Mormons, and   other non-denominational groups. Though I did not quite know what it meant or how to articulate it, it felt a bit obscene to me. I did not see that I had a “beam” in my eye that needed to be taken out.

Our parish volunteer ministry team decided to do door-to-door evangelization. We practiced how to give our 4-minute evangelization spiel and set out. At one adobe home, before I could begin my spiel, a Navajo woman held up her hand and said, “Stop! Why don’t you listen to me before you open your mouth.” She followed with, “We’ve been do-good to death.”

I don’t remember the rest of our conversation clearly, but I do remember being shaken by her words. It was the beginning of my coming to realize that I had a “beam in my eye” that needed removing. But the work was slow. First, like the jigsaw puzzle, I began connecting the shapes – all the Christian churches competing for the Native children’s participation, including we Catholics – we were all “do-gooders.” The words “do-gooder” did not feel good. What did it mean? At the time, I pondered, but did not ask someone older and wiser than I.

It was not until much later that the Navajo woman’s words, “We’ve been do-good to death,” and “Why don’t you listen to me before you open your mouth?” began to really bother me. I hadn’t really listened to her. I had so much to say. Sadly, I started doing youth ministry a few years later with the same “do-gooder” beam in my eye. I had so much to say to young people and gave the most god-awful retreats. The saving grace was that we had fun, ate well, and there were good, caring people working with me. But again, I talked at the young people and did not listen to them because I had a “beam in my eye” and did not know it.

Fast forward to graduate school, youth ministry training and learning a Catholic theology of grace: that all of creation, though wounded by sin, is imbued with the presence of God. God is fully active in the lives of every human being, regardless of race, creed, or color. If this is true, then every person deserves to be respected and heard. And, if this is true, then the method of evangelization cannot be a “monologue” which is what I was doing with the Navajo woman and my first youth group. We needed a dialogue that began with my listening to them, learning their stories, and building trust and friendship before I shared my story.

Finally, after years of looking at the shapes, colors, and contours of my encounter with that Navajo woman, I was able to name the “beam in my eye” and remove it by learning to listen to others whose world views and experiences were completely different from mine. This has been the story of my spiritual journey since, taking the beam out of my eye, as I learned to…

~ be a humble Catholic Christian;

~ be a healthy spouse to Lori and loving father to our children;

~ work with women in ministry;

~ struggle with being raised on the white side of segregation and flying a Confederate flag;

~ listen to and honor the stories of my gay family members and friends;

~ willingly encounter believers from Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, and Native American religious faiths;

¨ and…you get the message.

During Lent I am working on a jigsaw puzzle to help me slow down and pay attention to the jigsaw puzzle of my life. What beam needs to be removed from my eye this Lent? I’m not sure, but I’m expecting the Holy Spirit to show me one piece, one shape, one color at a time.

By Lori Fontana

What a problem! I find the perfect container for the leftover soup, pour the soup in, and then… no lid that fits. YIKES! So I start my search again. It’s annoying.

Periodically, I lay out all our food containers, pull out all the lids, and match them up. Then I toss any container or lid that doesn’t have its corresponding part. But things never seem to stay matched for long.

On Ash Wednesday, I was whining, “Where is a lid that fits this?” as I tried to snap on several “similar” but wrong lids. I caught myself – what am I complaining about? Do I really think THIS is a problem?

Our world is experiencing so much suffering, near and far: the brutal war in Ukraine; the terrible devastation from the earthquakes in Syria and Turkey; hunger, disease, and drought in so many places – Yemen, Afghanistan, North Korea, Nicaragua, Haiti. Closer to home, in Seatac, a mom with three children struggles to feed them and scrounges for diapers for her baby. Wouldn’t she just laugh (or scoff) at my so-called problem – a container missing its lid!

The ancient Ash Wednesday prayer, prayed as my forehead is marked with the cross of ashes, calls me up short: “Remember, woman / man, that you are dust, and unto dust you shall return.” What’s a missing Tupperware lid in light of this prayer?

This is why I need Lent. I need Lent’s invitation to pause, to reflect on my own life, and to, symbolically at least, go into the desert with Jesus, where there is time for quiet prayer to listen to the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. Lent is a time to see more clearly some basic truths: my mortality and the gift of my faith.

Lent calls me to lift my eyes from life’s small irritations and really look around to see the afflictions of so many. But once I see, how do I respond? With reflection, two things are clear to me. First, my problems are so very small; and second, I don’t have the power, nor is it even my job, to relieve all the world’s misery.

In regard to the truth of small problems, I know that, yes, I can whine less! But I still need a lid that fits…How, then, do we followers of Jesus deal with our everyday annoyances? Is it okay to complain sometimes?  Frustration is a normal human response. The challenge for Christians is to move through the complaints and self-pity.

Lent is a reminder that, though we will be impatient or tired, misunderstood or inconvenienced, mad, sad or scared, we can’t wallow for long in these feelings. Why should a missing Tupperware lid rob me of peace! Spiraling into the mire of “poor me” is not what Jesus asks of us as people of faith. Jesus promises us, “Peace I leave with you; my peace do I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give it to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid.” (John 14:27)

One simple and sure way to pull out of the mire of self-pity is a grateful heart. Another is to “offer it up,” as so many of us were taught by our mothers or fathers or Catholic school teachers. Both gratitude and “offering up” work a conversion in me. I can turn my thoughts outward toward the deep suffering of so many people. Spiritual writers exhort us to pray, joining our suffering, great or small, to the suffering of Jesus, who embraces the suffering of all.

As to how one addresses the suffering around the world: no one person can relieve the world’s suffering. What can I do? I firmly believe each of us can be good, do good, be a power for good in the circumstances of our daily lives. Some are called to far-away mission work; most of us are not. But each of us lives in “mission territory,” where people are suffering, where the love and hope and JOY of the Trinity are sorely   needed. We can be messengers of Jesus’s love, hope, compassion, JOY. After all, as St Teresa of Avila says, we are the hands and feet, heart and voice of Christ now on earth. Every little act of kindness furthers the reign of God.

What does this look like? For me, it’s showing patience in the doctor’s office or waiting in the phone queue. It’s a smile and hello to someone in need on the street. It’s asking the grocery clerk how her day is going, and really listening to her answer. I’ve had quite the conversations while buying milk and eggs! It’s compassion and kindness to those closest to us, in our homes, our work places, our neighborhoods. And a belief that is really opening up my heart to be more loving is that most people are doing the best that they can.

The Scriptures of Holy Week lead us through Jesus’s passion and death. What great love Jesus shows for us in both his life and his death. There is no greater love, and Jesus gives his love to us freely and completely. In the end, love is what matters most. I pray our hearts will overflow with gratitude for this gift of Lent, which helps us grow in our love for Jesus and one another.

Now if I can just find that darn lid…

By Robert Fontana

I know! It sounds like a nightmare! However, after being married for 45 years this August, and having now worked for many years as a therapist for couples, married and co-habiting, it is my experience that most spouses and partners would, at one time or another, say they would prefer to be married/partnered to oneself. This actually happened to Lori and me. 

We were going through some conflict, nothing major mind you. I was  working hard to be a good listener. It was a little challenging since I was standing outside in the howling winds of a snowstorm, the door double-locked, and Lori talking to me from the other side. Those details are unimportant. What’s important is that we were eventually able to sit down and talk. We each wrote down what we needed from the other.

Lori’s list was (and I am not making this up):

Þ When you say you’ll be home at 10 pm, Mr. Youth Minister, you’re home at 10 pm.

Þ When you come home at 10 pm, you do not wake the small children to play with them.

Þ If there are mounds of diapers to be folded and dishes to be washed, there is NO ROMANCE!

Þ If you write a check, record a check.

Þ If you record a check, record it correctly.

Þ If you balance the checkbook…JUST DON’T!!

My list was much shorter:

Þ Don’t sweat the small stuff. (Remember the book of the same name?)

Þ Let’s be flexible.

Þ Let’s play more.

Þ The dishes and diapers can wait…

We each read our list to the other and then started to laugh. Basically, Lori was saying she would prefer to be married to her, and I was saying that I would prefer being married to me. At that point, I heard a voice in my head, and I’m sure it was the Holy Spirit, say: “Now real love can happen in this marriage.” We knew right away what the voice meant. We really needed to accept each other as the other is. And if our needs are not being met, we had to learn how to communicate this to one another and negotiate to get to some common ground so that the marriage would always win. We had to stop the tug-of-war of “I’m not you, and you’re not me,” of pulling against one another; and we needed to do the hard work of pulling together by finding unity in all things.

John Gottman, a University of Washington researcher on love and marriage, wrote in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, that 69% of the   conflicts between couples have nothing to do with “right or wrong.” They have everything to do with “I’m not you, and you are not me.” Couples who never learn this truth, remain in a tug-of-war, pulling against each other, until divorce or “death-do-they-part.” They convince themselves that their issues are really about “right or wrong;” but in truth, it’s mostly about “this is what I want, how I like it, how I was raised.” 

This tug-of-war marriage leaves one or both spouses feeling hurt, dismissed, and unloved. I have clients who are devout Christians, who have been married for 25, 30, or 40 years, and yet they are miserable in marriage. If their faith helps them at all, it is only to bear the cross of the other; it doesn’t seem to help them find unity, love, and friendship. Rather than learning to accommodate their differences and work for unity, these couples create a negative pattern or “dance” of interaction that they step into anytime they have a disagreement or conflict. Their negative dance reinforces the hurt, distance, and disconnection.

Successful couples learn that this tug-of-war must end. They learn through conflict that they are bumping into their differences. What is needed is effective listening to understand the other, and empathy to validate one another’s emotions. Healthy couples learn to say to one another, “I won’t let you win at my expense, and I won’t try to win at your expense. We are going to find common ground so that the marriage wins.”

Through different issues that have surfaced in our marriage, Lori and I have learned to desire unity over what each of us may prefer. This ranges from simple issues like how we are going to spend our evenings to complex issues like navigating a difficult topic within the family. We are motivated to find unity with whatever the current issue is because tomorrow there will be another issue…and the next day another one. Working for unity day-in and day-out creates a positive pattern or “dance” that reinforces love, friendship, emotional safety, and belonging. After almost 45 years of marriage, we go to bed at night with a profound sense of peace. We don’t have a perfect marriage, but we do have a successful one. Are there times when we don’t quite find unity on an issue, when we misunderstand one another and have hurt one another? Absolutely! But because of the positive dance we have created in our relationship, we are quick to repair, talk things through, learn from our mistakes, and forgive one another.

Unity does not mean uniformity. After all these years, we are still night and day different from one another. On our day off, Lori would prefer to begin it with a cup of coffee, time for prayer followed by time to work the crossword puzzle in the paper. I prefer to begin my day, after coffee, with a long quiet walk in the park. So we compromise, with coffee and prayer together, then her crossword puzzle, my walk. Seeking unity in all things means we strive for agreement on an issue. It also means that one or both of us might say, “I don’t like this decision, but I can live with it without resentment.” And the positive dance goes on!

I would hate to be married to me. Being married to Lori is way better!

Lori and I are helping our parish (Assumption Parish, Seattle) celebrate “Present Your Child to God Sunday” on February 19 (changed from Feb 5). We are going to have a grand procession with children ringing bells and waving streamers, and a trumpet player leading the pack playing “O When The Saints Go Marching In.” It ought to be fun.

In addition, we are trying to involve the youth and children in a meaningful way through an essay / poetry contest at the parish. The topic we have chosen is a real life issue, close to the heart of Pope Francis, “Care for the Earth.”

Our children are the Church of today (and not merely of the future). We can start treating them as such by asking them to think about and act on real issues that are critical to human survival like climate change and care for God’s creation.

CLM is hosting a separate poetry/essay contest for our readers and sponsors who do not attend Assumption. We invite you to ask your children or grandchildren to participate in the essay/poetry contest (CLM entries will be judged separately.) Begin by showing them a short (4-minute) video made for children, about Laudato Si, Pope Francis’ encyclical letter.

Go to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOgF2Kgel6k   Then children can submit a poem or a 100-word essay on “what it means for you to ‘care for the earth’ during this time of climate crisis.

I showed this video to my grandchildren. Following it, they immediately set to work on writing something:

This is what 3^rd-grader Cora wrote: Save the Earth – The earth is a beautiful place full of life but humans are taking more than they need. All things need earth and they matter just much as you. You can help the earth. You can bring back the beauty. You can make a difference. You are special. So, bring back the lush green forest. Bring back the sparkling waters and peaceful animals. Bring back earth. Plant a garden. Feed the birds.

And 1^st-grader, Rose:  The Earth – Trees, flowers. All things are beautiful. Everyone matters. You matter. We have light in the darkness. We can make the earth better.

3rd-grader, Linus wrote a haiku: Caring for the Earth – Be kind to the earth. Just do it! Do it! Do it! Give back to the earth.

Your youth and/or children can win prizes (they won’t be competing with the Fontana grands).

First place: $25   Second Place: $15   Third place: $10

So please sit down with them, show them the video, and encourage them to write a poem or essay on “Care for the Earth.” Scan and email the essay or poem – one entry per person – to robert@catholiclifeministries.org. Or mail it to us: 1827 NE 58th St, #B Seattle WA 98105. Due by Saturday, Feb 18th. We will select winners for the following age groups:

High School (9^th – 12^th grade); Middle School (6^th – 8^th grade); Primary School (Kinder – 5^th grade).  Please be sure to write the author’s name, grade level, and phone or email on the entry.