Catholic Life Ministries

By Robert Fontana

I shared a bedroom with two brothers, Francis (older) and John (younger). On Christmas Eve, we three Santa Claus believers were on high alert listening for any signs of St. Nicholas. I clearly remember one night when we almost jumped out of our pajamas believing we had heard the jingle of bells outside, signaling the arrival of Santa and his sleigh. We rushed to the window and scanned the sky for signs of Santa. (Can you guess which one I am in the photo below?)

I’m not sure when we learned that Santa was just a fun story and the gifts that showed up after Midnight Mass came from Mom and Dad. But in that transition, I learned that the real reason for the “Christ – Mass” at midnight was the birth of God’s beloved Son, Jesus. That story carried me for a while with a child’s faith. I said my prayers at night – Our Father, Hail Mary and Glory Be – and during every football game my brothers played in.

My child’s faith, which was basically the faith of my parents, was transformed into my own personal faith when I was in 8^th grade. Mom and Dad had been having marriage trouble. Rather than going to divorce court, they went to a prayer meeting; and each had a personal experience of Jesus that changed their lives. Their transformation transformed me. Dad shared his faith with me, and I had a burning in my heart to know God’s love and friendship as he did.

That made all the difference in my high school years. I struggled with all the same adolescent issues that others did, e.g. self-esteem, friendships, siblings, parental approval, sexual discipline, girls, college, academic challenges, athletic challenges, and developing the coping skills to handle all the emotional issues that come with teen life. Faith in Jesus offered me a healthy way to manage these difficult emotions and saved me from “going off the deep end.”

Not so for some of my friends who did not have the experience of faith that I had and coped with teenage life by dabbling in drugs, drinking, and sex. By the time college came around, these ways of coping were ingrained habits that nearly killed them. Thankfully, some found a path towards sobriety and loving relationships later in life. I believe I was protected from a similar path by God’s grace, and the Catholic Christian friends that I was meeting through the high school retreat program called Search.

I learned early on that “I wasn’t good because I loved God,” to quote Fr. Richard Rohr, “I was good because God loved me.” And I needed God’s love and the love of friends to continue working at being good and doing good. That was true in my youth, and it is true today. Pastor Rick Warren, the founder of Saddleback Church, once said, “Under the right circumstance I’m capable of any sin and, so are you.” When I heard that, I said to myself, “and so am I.”

I need Jesus and a community of faith in my life to help me live a healthy, holy, humane life this side of heaven. In fact, this is one of the reasons for Christmas. Jesus, God’s beloved Son, born of Mary, came to give men and women a better way to live, as summarized in the Great Commandment: love of God and love of neighbor. In following the Jesus way of living, we get a taste of heaven before heaven. Not perfectly, not without pain and suffering. Yet, the path of faith, hope, and love, embraced as a way of life, does yield the fruits of the Spirit described by Paul in Galatians, “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” Wouldn’t that be a taste of heaven if we had these qualities as a pattern for our lives?

That brings me to Christmas. Jesus is the reason for Christmas, and his legacy of unselfish love of neighbor animates this time of the year even in its secular form. We see the evidence beyond the lights and glitter of commercial Christmas: family and friends laying aside hurts and grudges and gathering in homes for song and merriment; Salvation Army and St. Vincent de Paul volunteers collecting money, toys, and clothing for those in need; neighbors reaching out to each other with a plate of cookies or gingerbread; and strangers offering one another a cheery “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays.”

The power of Christmas to animate the culture was most eloquently expressed in Charles Dicken’s story A Christmas Carol.

Scrooge, arguing with his nephew Fred about Christmas, is emphatic that Christmas, because it has not made Fred a richer man, has done him no good. Here is Fred’s response:

“There are many things from which I might have derived good, by which I have not profited, I dare say, Christmas among the rest. But I am sure I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round, — apart from the veneration due to its sacred origin, if anything belonging to it can be apart from that, — as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow travelers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. And therefore, Uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it!”

I need Christmas, and so do you. “God bless it!”

PS: I’m the one wearing the goggles. Francis is sitting next to my dad. John is the little guy with the white shoes.

By Robert Fontana

When Lori and I first confronted the issue of cover-up of clergy sex abuse by our then bishop and friend Carlos Sevilla, our first instinct was that I should resign from my position as Director of Evangelization and Deacon Formation for the Diocese of Yakima. We wrote about our decision to our family in Louisiana. My sister-in-law, Lise, whose husband, my brother, has represented hundreds of victims of clergy sex abuse as their attorney, wrote back with, “Don’t do it. That’s exactly what they want!  They want you out of their way.”

We took her words to heart, prayed, and heard Jesus say to us, “Do you love the Church enough to stay in and work for change? You don’t have to do this. But somebody needs to bear the cross that working for change entails.”

It was clear to us that if we do not work for change then we must not only quit ministry but quit being Catholic. Otherwise, knowing what we know and not speaking up would make us complicit. That was true then, and it is true today. Over the past 21 years we have organized listening sessions to have survivors of sex abuse tell their stories; written the Pope’s ambassador to the US twice (never heard back from him); met with the Cardinal of Chicago, Francis George; organized days of prayer and fasting; and led workshops to inform people about the sex abuse crisis. I even wrote my doctoral thesis on training lay review boards to function as watchdogs over sex abuse cases and not just function as advisory boards.

During this time, I was banned from working at any Catholic church or institution in central and western Washington. I did CLM ministry in the homes of friends, gave retreats at other Christian churches, and traveled to other states where clergy friends and CLM sponsors would have me speak. Finally, in the summer of 2019, after Pope Francis published new rules stating that whistle-blowers ought to be protected in the Church, I filed a whistleblower complaint against the former bishop of Yakima, Carlos Sevilla, for his retaliation against me. The complaint was received, and the former bishop of Yakima was reprimanded for causing “harm and scandal” to the Church.

When, in late July, Tim Law, a friend and the founder of End Clergy Abuse (ECA), told us that he and survivors from around the world were going to Rome ahead of the Synod to walk a pilgrimage route, carrying a cross, to lobby the Vatican for stronger protocols to protect children and whistleblowers, we jumped at the chance to go. Tim, who is not a survivor of sex abuse but is a vigorous advocate for survivors, and eight others who are survivors began their walk on Sept 21. We joined them on Sept 23, three days into their trip. We walked with them, taking our turn carrying the cross for the final pilgrimage days, covering about 66 miles. OUCH! It was long, hard walking but beautiful  sharing when we could keep up with the group’s pace.

We met several Italian “angels” who directed us along the right path. On our first day of walking we came to an area with a dozen downed trees blocking the path. An Italian “angel” appeared walking from the other direction and lifted the tree trunk just enough for several of us walkers to slip underneath.

On our second evening of walking, we came to the town where the main group was staying. Our accommodation was still another 45-minute walk to the outskirts of the town. As darkness fell, the hostess came riding her bicycle up the hill to meet us. She took our packs on her bike and assured us that we were almost there. On our third evening, we were searching in vain for our bed and breakfast. Stopping at a busy pizzeria to ask directions, we met a family, Luca, Sylvia, and their son Andreas. The parents spoke some English and listened to our plight. After a  rapid family discussion in Italian, Sylvia said, “My husband knows this street where you are going. He is an electrician working at a home on this very street. He will drive you there after we eat our supper.” And he did! The providence of God!

Our small group met a larger group of survivor lobbyists, folks from Jamaica, Canada, Peru, Mexico, Slovenia, Italy, Germany, Philippines, Costa Rica, Serbian, New Zealand, India, Congo, and Uganda. What courageous men and women, coming to Rome at their expense, demanding that Pope Francis do more to change Church law and practice to better protect minors and vulnerable adults from sexual exploitation.

There were press conferences (I was interviewed by Associated Press and Reuters, and Lori, though trying to stay in the background, got her picture in the Reuters newsfeed); protest rallies outside St. Peter’s; organizational meetings; letters presented to the papal commission on sex abuse; and planning for the next leg of the journey – taking this issue to the United Nations in Geneva. This part of the journey was for a select few. 

As others went on to Geneva or returned to their homes, Lori and I stayed in Rome to participate in an ecumenical prayer service led by the Taize community for the upcoming Synod. Pope Francis participated in it as well as representatives from the major Christian denominations and Churches. In fact, a female Lutheran bishop who was on the podium with Pope Francis stayed at the convent where we also stayed. We had breakfast with her the morning following the service. The prayer service was  attended by several thousand people including many, many young people from across Europe. It concluded with the veneration of the cross of San Damiano, a replica of the one from which Francis of Assisi heard the words, “Francis, go and rebuild my church for you see it is in ruins.”

Lori and I with Tim Law of Seattle and the End Clergy Abuse delegation are doing our part to continue the call given to St. Francis to “rebuild the church” that is in ruins due to the crimes and sins of clergy sex abuse and cover-up. We think we have had an impact. While we were in Rome, we read that the papal commission on sex abuse sent a statement to the delegates at the upcoming Synod insisting that the issues of sex abuse of minors and vulnerable adults be at the center of their deliberations. We are grateful to Tim Law for including us to be a part of this effort. Please keep Tim and the good work of ECA (End Clergy Abuse) in your prayers.

By Robert Fontana

Pope Francis has a pretty good approval rating among Catholics in the United States. According to Pew Research, 83% of Catholics in the US have a favorable opinion of the Argentine Pope. However, there is a very vocal minority which includes high-ranking clergy who are very unhappy with the current pope and do not mind saying so. Commentators for EWTN, The Catholic Register and First Things and prominent prelates have called his  papacy “a catastrophe,” “leaderless,” and “a betrayal.”

Advocates for greater protection of children, youth, and vulnerable adults and whistleblowers in the current crisis of clergy sex abuse and coverup are extremely disappointed in Pope Francis (Lori and I include ourselves in that camp). He says the right words but these often do not turn into effective action. A case in point is the very bizarre and sick story of Father Marko Ivan Rupnik, a celebrated Jesuit preacher and artist whose mosaics grace churches and basilicas around the world. Close to a dozen women, including Catholic sisters, have come forth accusing Rupnik of sexual, psychological, and spiritual abuse. The allegations were deemed credible by Jesuit investigators; yet Rupnik, who had been removed from ministry, was allowed to return. The public outcry was so great that just recently Pope Francis was pressured to reopen his case. (See: https://www.seattletimes.com/nation-world/pope-orders-vatican-to-reopen-case-of-priest-accused-of-adult-abuse-but-allowed-to-keep-ministering/)

In light of all this criticism, I think it is important to keep in mind that Pope Francis has not changed one Catholic doctrinal teaching or moral teaching. He is working to change Catholic culture, how we understand ourselves as a Catholic people and how we express this self-understanding in worship and mission. In doing this he is being faithful to the intent of the reforms of the Second Vatican Council which sought to transition from a Church that saw itself as a European monarchy (Council of Trent and Vatican I) to a Church that sees itself as the People of God from all the nations, sinful and holy, traveling through history. This People of God, clergy and lay, has a mission to be the mercy of God in the world as disciples of Jesus.

The following vignettes are examples of how I see Pope Francis changing Catholic culture without changing Catholic doctrine: 

The new pope was introduced as “Francis,” a name no other pope has dared to take: Pope Francis said, “Francis is also the man of peace. That is how the name came into my heart: Francis of Assisi. For me, he is the man of poverty, the man of peace, the man who loves and protects creation; these days we do not have a very good relationship with creation, do we?” …Francis of Assisi “gives us this spirit of peace, the poor man who wanted a poor church,” the pope said. “How I would love a church that is poor and for the poor.”  (https://www.ncronline.org/blogs/francis-chronicles/pope-francis-i-would-love-church-poor )

Pope Francis on the Sacraments:  The  Catholic Church is a “field hospital,” where the Eucharist is understood as medicine for the sick instead of a prize for the perfect…”  (http://www.icatholic.org/article/the-church-as-a-field-hospital-6836071)

Remember when he said to priests… [be] shepherds living with “the smell of the sheep”, shepherds in the midst of their flock…” (https://www.catholicworldreport.com/2013/03/28/full-text-pope-francis-chrism-mass-homily/)  There is that spirit of clericalism in the Church, that we feel: clerics feel superior; clerics distance themselves from the people. Clerics always say: ‘this should be done like this, like this, like this, and you – go away!’” It happens “when the cleric doesn’t have time to listen to those who are suffering, the poor, the sick, the imprisoned: the evil of clericalism is a…is a new edition of this ancient evil [of the religious ‘authorities’ lording it over others].” But “the victim is the same: the poor and humble people, who await the Lord.” ~  (https://aleteia.org/2018/08/23/5-of-the-many-times-pope-francis-has-railed-against-clericalism/)

Francis’ first trip as pope: Pope Francis has said Mass for migrants on Italy’s tiny island of Lampedusa, condemning the “global indifference” to their plight…Lampedusa, about 80 miles (120km) from Tunisia, is one of the nearest gateways to Europe for Africans fleeing poverty and conflict. (https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-23224010)

Francis changing the College of Cardinals Pope Francis created 21 new cardinals (Sept 2023) from across the world… created from 15 different countries… The pope also created cardinals representing Catholic communities in non-majority Christian countries: … Jerusalem; …Hong Kong; … Malaysia. In total, 16% of all cardinal-electors are now from Asia, compared with 9% before Francis’ pontificate…The pope has now created cardinals from 66 different countries…In contrast to the increase in cardinals from the global South and East, the percentage of cardinals from Europe has fallen from 53% in 2013 to 39% today…(https://ww.catholicnewsagency.com/ news/255528/pope-creates-21-new-cardinals-continues-expansion-of-college-s-geographic-diversity)

What he spoke about homosexuals:  Italian journalist  Andrea Tornielli asked the pope how he might act as a confessor to a gay person in light of his now famous remarks in a press conference in 2013, when he asked: “Who am I to judge?” “On that occasion I said this: If a person is gay and seeks out the Lord and is willing, who am I to judge that person?” the pope says. “I was paraphrasing by heart the Catechism of the Catholic Church where it says that these people should be treated with delicacy and not be marginalized.”

“…”I prefer that homosexuals come to confession, that they stay close to the Lord, and that we pray all together,” says Francis. “You can advise them to pray, show goodwill, show them the way, and accompany them along it.” (https://www.ncronline.org/francis-explains-who-am-i-judge)

Francis and a “synodal church:”  In a certain sense, what the Lord asks of us is already contained in the word “synod.” Walking together – Laity, Pastors, the Bishop of Rome – is an easy concept to put into words, but not so easy to put into practice…A synodal church is a listening church, knowing that listening “is more than feeling.” It is a mutual listening in which everyone has something to learn. Faithful people, the College of  Bishops, the Bishop of Rome: we are one in listening to others; and all are listening to the Holy Spirit, the “Spirit of truth” (Jn 14:17)… (https://www.thetablet.co.uk/texts-speeches-homilies/4/849/pope-francis-address-at-commemorative-ceremony-for-the-50th-anniversary-of-the-synod-of-bishops-17-october-2015)

(Post your comments. You are welcome to agree or disagree.)

By Robert Fontana

No, it is not a vacation. Oh, we will take a few days to visit a quaint Italian village with hot springs and ancient Etruscan relics and history.

However, our reason for going is to join an international group of activists on a pilgrimage walk to pray and advocate for greater protection of children, youth, and vulnerable adults in Catholic Church law and practice. We are also asking for changes in Catholic Church law and practice concerning the treatment of people like us, whistleblowers, who sound the alarm when something is amiss!

I know you are so tired of hearing from us about another case of sex abuse and/or cover-up of that abuse by Catholic leaders. And if you think you are tired of hearing about it, believe me, we get it. So are we.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Please, if you have fatigue with the sexual abuse crisis in the Catholic Church, take a deep breath, let it go, and ask the Holy Spirit,

“What is mine to do to in response to the abuse of children and vulnerable adults by ministers of the Church, clergy, religious, and lay, and the cover-up of this abuse by Catholic leaders?

Shortly after the abuse crisis became public in 2002, when practically every diocese in the country was implicated in revelations of clergy sex abuse and cover- up by bishops, When Fr. Ron Rolheiser spoke on this topic at Seattle University, a presentation I attended, he said something  to the effect of:

“We as a church must correct this and get it right; otherwise, how can we ever help the world deal     effectively with the pandemic level of sex abuse of minors happening in our world, in homes, at schools, and in any organization that serves children and youth.

That was true in 2002, and it is true today. The place where children are most at risk for abuse is not in the Catholic Church; it is in the home. Children are sexually abused by parents, stepparents, relatives, babysitters, and unrelated boyfriends/girlfriends at a far higher rate than they are abused by clergy.

I have a friend whose young teen daughter was sexually abused by the father of the children she was babysitting. Another friend’s young child was abused by an active youth group member. Another friend was abused by a parent; and another friend…

You get the picture. Sexual abuse of minors and vulnerable adults is epidemic in our culture. Sexual predators of youth and children are here to stay. They are in all institutions that serve children and youth, including the Catholic Church. If we as a church are going to help solve this crisis in society, we must address it in our church. All of us have a responsibility to do what we can to help this Church we love respond honestly and effectively to the sex abuse crisis.

For Lori and me, what we did for the first 15 years we knew about clergy sex abuse was to trust that the bishops would take care of the problem. Thinking that, we became part of the problem. We were complicit in the cover-up of sex abuse because we trusted that bishops, some of them our close friends, would effectively deal with the crisis. But they did not. They protected predator clergy by moving them from parish to parish; they protected themselves from their deliberate cover-up of the abuse; and they often hid their own secrets of sexual abuse and misbehavior. It took the awful stories of Father Marcial Maciel, founder of the Legionnaires of Christ and friend to Pope John Paul II, and Cardinal Theodore McCarrick, also a friend of popes, to expose how deeply embedded in the hierarchy is corruption connected to clergy sex abuse.

Sadly, we learned the hard way that the most effective route for change on the sexual abuse front is to expose the criminal and immoral behavior of sexual predators and the church leaders protecting them. We faced painful choices: we could ignore the facts and continue to be part of the problem; leave the Church all together; or remain Catholic and work for change. We chose this last option. This, we discerned through prayer, is what was “ours to do” in Christ.

As part of that decision, made over 20 years ago, we are going to Rome to participate in a 120-mile pilgrimage walk with participants from around the world. Walking and  carrying a large wooden cross, we will join in prayer for changes in church law and practice that will strengthen rules to prevent sexual predators and those who protect them from ever serving as clergy again.

Activists also want the Pope to make it clear that any church member, clergy or lay, who exposes sexual abuse and coverup will be protected. To this end, the organization sponsoring the pilgrimage walk, Ending  Clergy Abuse USA, will hold a series of meetings, a candlelight prayer vigil, and a press conference.

Please pray for our pilgrimage, and we will bring each of you and your intentions in our hearts along our walk. We have even written Pope Francis a personal letter asking to meet with him to share our story and suggest actions to promote healing and holiness in our church. (My thinking is, if you don’t buy a lottery ticket, you can’t win the lottery, so I wrote directly to our Pope.)

by Robert Fontana

There is no ultimate communion with God without dying. Lazarus died and was raised by Jesus but died again. We all know this and, of course, try to think about it as little as possible. It reminds me of the preacher who was giving a fiery sermon one Sunday morning, talking about the evils of this world and the glory in the world to come. He shouts out, “I’m on the train to glory; who’s coming with me? Let me see those hands. I’m on the train to glory; now who’s coming with me?”

Men and women, young and old, began raising their hands and shouting out, “Count me in preacher, I’m getting on that train to glory!” “Me too! I’m coming!”

The preacher looked around and felt mighty proud that his preaching had stirred such faith. All hands were up, and the people were shouting, “I’m on the train to glory! I’m on the train to glory!”

That is, all hands up but one. A young man in the back pew was quietly looking around, keeping his hands close to his sides. The preacher walked up to him and said, “My young brother, don’t you want to join us on that train to glory?!” The young man looked up at the preacher, paused, and asked, “TODAY?”

We all want to get to heaven, but not today. And yet, there is no other way to eternal communion with God except through the diminishment of the body and death. We can be forgiven for not keeping this in the forefront of our minds, especially when we are young and/or new in our faith.

When I began to discover God’s love in my life, I felt so much joy and motivation to be a better person. I read the Gospels which began with Jesus’ doing amazing healings and people leaving all to follow him. I was in high school, and the most immediate impact on my behavior was that I began to make time for prayer, learning to fast, avoiding alcohol, and wanting to respect girls as I began dating.

Jesus not only awakened his followers to a new way of being in the world as his disciples. He also prepared them for the struggles to come by teaching them to develop the virtues and character essential to discipleship. Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”  Matthew 16:24-26

Jesus laid a spiritual framework for mature discipleship capable of confronting the struggles to come: prayer, alone and with others; the Beatitudes, the disciplines of fasting and almsgiving; and the creating of a new community in which tax collectors and public sinners, men and  women and children are welcome. Essential to this new way of living was the practice of “love of enemies” and non-violence.  Jesus set the stage for a spirituality of diminishment: relinquishing worldly power for spiritual power.

We experience a form of diminishment, a dying to self, in conforming our lives to Jesus’ life. We let go of our sins, unhealthy habits, negative biases, prejudices and resentments and unhealthy attachments to power, positions, possessions, and privilege, and replace these with the spiritual disciplines mentioned above. This brings us great joy and inner peace.

And as we mature in faith and put our gifts to the service of the Kingdom, we also discover our limitations, the limitations of others, especially those in the community of faith. I can remember Lori’s and my first foray into an intentional community with other like-minded people who wanted to build a community among the poor. It was a disaster! We were all so high and mighty and thought we were creating a modern version of St. Francis and his followers. Wrong! We left it after six months.

We discovered just how little wisdom, humility, and communication skills we had. 

However, we learned from our failures and began to see that God uses our limitations and weaknesses for God’s good purpose. God was training us to have the fortitude and faith to cope with the diminishment that was sure to come through experiences of sickness, the tragic deaths of young friends and family members, the persistent presence of mental illness in people we love, and our own growing fragility as we’ve aged: “…we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5

Diminishment is the fundamental path to God. Paul learned this while begging God to remove a certain “thorn in his side:” But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 1 Corinthians 12:9

By embracing the spiritual journey when we are young and able, and cultivating a practice of letting go and trusting in God, we are preparing ourselves to face the struggles that come with the diminishment of our physical and mental abilities through sickness and aging. But we face death, both our own and the death of those whom we love, not like those who live “without hope.”

1 Thessalonians 4:13-14

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father’s house there are many dwelling places…I go to prepare a place for you.” John 14:1-3

Death may come suddenly through tragedy or illness, or slowly over months or years. Regardless, all of us must journey through a personal Gethsemane and Calvary on our way to that “train of glory,” resurrected life. This is not a cause for fear, avoidance, or despair. It is, rather, just an aspect of life that we need to accept with a humble combination of gratitude and grieving. We grieve all the losses, and we give thanks for all the blessings.

We are not alone in our diminishment. Jesus is Emmanuel, God with us, and with us, too, are our loved ones. In the end, we hope for what we Catholics call “the Happy Death,” surrounded by our family and friends, and cradled by the graces of the Holy Spirit.

by Robert Fontana

There is no ultimate communion with God without dying. Lazarus died and was raised by Jesus but died again. We all know this and, of course, try to think about it as little as possible. It reminds me of the preacher who was giving a fiery sermon one Sunday morning, talking about the evils of this world and the glory in the world to come. He shouts out, “I’m on the train to glory; who’s coming with me? Let me see those hands. I’m on the train to glory; now who’s coming with me?”

Men and women, young and old, began raising their hands and shouting out, “Count me in preacher, I’m getting on that train to glory!” “Me too! I’m coming!”

The preacher looked around and felt mighty proud that his preaching had stirred such faith. All hands were up, and the people were shouting, “I’m on the train to glory! I’m on the train to glory!”

That is, all hands up but one. A young man in the back pew was quietly looking around, keeping his hands close to his sides. The preacher walked up to him and said, “My young brother, don’t you want to join us on that train to glory?!” The young man looked up at the preacher, paused, and asked, “TODAY?”

We all want to get to heaven, but not today. And yet, there is no other way to eternal communion with God except through the diminishment of the body and death. We can be forgiven for not keeping this in the forefront of our minds, especially when we are young and/or new in our faith.

When I began to discover God’s love in my life, I felt so much joy and motivation to be a better person. I read the Gospels which began with Jesus’ doing amazing healings and people leaving all to follow him. I was in high school, and the most immediate impact on my behavior was that I began to make time for prayer, learning to fast, avoiding alcohol, and wanting to respect girls as I began dating.

Jesus not only awakened his followers to a new way of being in the world as his disciples. He also prepared them for the struggles to come by teaching them to develop the virtues and character essential to discipleship. Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”  Matthew 16:24-26

Jesus laid a spiritual framework for mature discipleship capable of confronting the struggles to come: prayer, alone and with others; the Beatitudes, the disciplines of fasting and almsgiving; and the creating of a new community in which tax collectors and public sinners, men and  women and children are welcome. Essential to this new way of living was the practice of “love of enemies” and non-violence.  Jesus set the stage for a spirituality of diminishment: relinquishing worldly power for spiritual power.

We experience a form of diminishment, a dying to self, in conforming our lives to Jesus’ life. We let go of our sins, unhealthy habits, negative biases, prejudices and resentments and unhealthy attachments to power, positions, possessions, and privilege, and replace these with the spiritual disciplines mentioned above. This brings us great joy and inner peace.

And as we mature in faith and put our gifts to the service of the Kingdom, we also discover our limitations, the limitations of others, especially those in the community of faith. I can remember Lori’s and my first foray into an intentional community with other like-minded people who wanted to build a community among the poor. It was a disaster! We were all so high and mighty and thought we were creating a modern version of St. Francis and his followers. Wrong! We left it after six months.

We discovered just how little wisdom, humility, and communication skills we had. 

However, we learned from our failures and began to see that God uses our limitations and weaknesses for God’s good purpose. God was training us to have the fortitude and faith to cope with the diminishment that was sure to come through experiences of sickness, the tragic deaths of young friends and family members, the persistent presence of mental illness in people we love, and our own growing fragility as we’ve aged: “…we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5

Diminishment is the fundamental path to God. Paul learned this while begging God to remove a certain “thorn in his side:” But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 1 Corinthians 12:9

By embracing the spiritual journey when we are young and able, and cultivating a practice of letting go and trusting in God, we are preparing ourselves to face the struggles that come with the diminishment of our physical and mental abilities through sickness and aging. But we face death, both our own and the death of those whom we love, not like those who live “without hope.”

1 Thessalonians 4:13-14

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father’s house there are many dwelling places…I go to prepare a place for you.” John 14:1-3

Death may come suddenly through tragedy or illness, or slowly over months or years. Regardless, all of us must journey through a personal Gethsemane and Calvary on our way to that “train of glory,” resurrected life. This is not a cause for fear, avoidance, or despair. It is, rather, just an aspect of life that we need to accept with a humble combination of gratitude and grieving. We grieve all the losses, and we give thanks for all the blessings.

We are not alone in our diminishment. Jesus is Emmanuel, God with us, and with us, too, are our loved ones. In the end, we hope for what we Catholics call “the Happy Death,” surrounded by our family and friends, and cradled by the graces of the Holy Spirit.

By Robert Fontana

Dear Friends, Seven years ago, after being asked repeatedly by Catholic priests to help couples in struggling marriages, we added individual and marriage counseling into our ministry offerings. My first attempts at couples counseling were awful. I did not know how to assist couples in truly combative relationships. With the support of CLM, I earned a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy. I can happily report to you some wonderful success stories of couples on the verge of divorce who came to see me and now have turned things around. 

**Following the disclosure of her affair, a young couple with small children reconciled and is rebuilding their marriage. When he could accept that the affair was a consequence of a bad marriage in which he had a role, he could forgive her for the affair, and they could work on building a new marriage.

**A devoutly Christian couple had grown apart after over 30 years of marriage. They revitalized their marriage by rebuilding friendship, grieving their many years of failing to love one another well, and learning ways to meet one another’s emotional needs.

**A devoutly Catholic couple at odds with one another had signed divorce papers after a difficult and painful year when they separated and created separate households. They had actually signed divorce papers, but then did not submit them. Instead, they called me to help them rebuild love, trust, and intimacy.

**A couple without a faith background had “fallen out of love,” and came to see me. They had developed a pattern of withdrawing from one another and had given up hope that love could be restored. That was eight months ago, and today they are thriving!

 Not all couples counseling outcomes are successful, but many are! I attribute this to your prayers (and Lori’s) which I know help me to be attentive to the Holy Spirit as I use my training and skills to:

1) gain the trust of the couple and help them to see that each spouse has contributed to the bad marriage.

2) de-escalate tension by really listening to each spouse share his/her side of the story and validating the emotions being expressed;

3) bring to light the negative dynamic the couple has created through various negative ways of interacting;

4) help couple to replace this negative dynamic with more constructive patterns based on listening to one another, validating each other’s emotions, changing problematic behaviors, revealing one another’s emotional needs in the marriage, and working together to meeting these needs;

5) guide couples toward restoring love, friendship, trust, and intimacy.

Friends, the work that Lori and I do in Catholic Life Ministries, through my clinical practice and our ministry outreach, is made possible by the faithful prayer and generous financial support of our sponsors. Sponsor donations   cover at least half of our budget, helping to support our writing, retreats, workshops, and spiritual direction on the ministry side and allowing me to have a sliding scale for low-income clients on the clinical side. This is our annual   letter to invite you to support our ministry with donations and/or prayer; or, if you are a current supporter, to thank you with grateful hearts and invite you to continue your support. Our ministry has changed over the years as you will see in the photos below and on the back page, but the original mission endures:

to awaken faith, strengthen marriages and families, build Christian community, to empower the Christian faithful to be a power for good in the world!

Is God calling you to support CLM? We understand that you have plenty of good people from a variety of agencies seeking your spiritual and financial support. Please give our work your prayerful consideration. We respect and honor your decision to sponsor ministries other than CLM.  However, if you sense a calling to support us please write us at robert@catholiclifeministries.org (and send us your prayer intentions). You can donate online at catholiclifeministries.org (look at the column on right, scroll down to “donate” button).

By Robert Fontana (An imaginary conversation between Robert and young adults in college, some church-goers and some not.)

Rob     Here’s my question for you. Gay or Straight, will you succeed as spouses and parents whenever that may be?

YP 1 (young person)  What? That’s a crazy question. I’m not even thinking about being married or becoming a parent. Now, living with my love interest? Maybe.

(All the other YPs join in with “Same here!” and “Me too!” and “I just want to have some fun.”)

Rob     Oh, I hear what you’re saying, but let me ask you this. How many of you see marriage and family in your future? 

(Most hands go up.)

Rob     Great. How many of you who raised your hand hope to get divorced?

(There’s a pause…then a dozen or so hands go up; young people are laughing.)

Rob     Oh…of course, a few of you are planning on getting divorced, but the majority of you, should you marry, are expecting that your marriages will go the distance, “till death do us part.”

But the truth is, if current patterns hold up, many of you will get divorced: between 40-50% of non-church marriages end in divorce. This rate is going down especially among the middle- and upper middle-class couples, while it is going way up for couples raised in poverty. For couples who participate in church, about 28% of Catholic marriages and 33% of Protestant marriages end in divorce. Not a very good percentage, but better that the general population.

YP 2    My parents divorced when I was 13, and it totally sucked because they kept on fighting. I was caught in the middle and couldn’t wait until I could get out of both homes and be on my own. What’s sad is that now both my parents express regret that they didn’t get the help they needed to work things out. 

YP 3    My parents never married and broke up before I was born. But they were nice about it. I was raised in two separate homes all my life. I don’t want that for my kids, but it wasn’t that bad.

YP 4    My dad was a raging alcoholic. When he wasn’t drunk, he was kind and funny. But once the drinking started, which was usually every weekend, our home was a nightmare. Mom and Dad fought like cats and dogs until my dad broke my mom’s nose one night. That was it. Mom left, took us with her, and we never looked back.

YP5     My parents just could not live together. When the divorce was over, they stopped fighting. Each remarried. It wasn’t bad. I like my stepparents, but I don’t want divorce for my kids.

Rob     My goodness. What pain all of you went through! Thank you for sharing your stories. They are all so different, and yet they have the common thread of parents who did not succeed in marriage nor provide a stable homelife for you.  

Will you be different?

(Pause.)

YP 6    I’m never going to get married. I’ll live with someone who I think can be an honest and loving partner, but if things get weird, I’m out. And no babies. I don’t want any kids to have to go through what I went through when my parents divorced.

Rob     That makes sense. Your own experiences tell you that being locked in a marriage keeps a person trapped when things go bad. You want the flexibility to leave when you need to. Having children is not a desirable option.

(Speaking to all present) How about this: describe a successful marriage.

YP 7    My mom and dad have been married…ah…well since before I was born. They are each other’s best friend. They have a lot of fun together. Church is important to them which gives them common values and friends. They do argue but there is never any fighting, no name calling and no hitting. And, as far as I can tell, they quickly make up.

YP 8    My parents had a difficult marriage until my dad went to AA and sobered up. Afterwards, they made a Marriage Encounter weekend, and it turned their lives upside down and ours too. Before sobering up and Marriage Encounter Mom was like a single mom. Afterwards dad has shown up for everything. We would eat dinner as a family, he came to our games, and we had a weekly family night that was alcohol-free and fun. Mom and Dad seem to love and trust each other. Thank God.

Rob     Great stories. Listen to what you are saying. What are the elements of a successful marriage? You’ve named friendship between couples, trust, sobriety, common values, spirituality, friends who share your values, and being able to argue, without escalating to fighting, and  then reconnecting.

There is no reason that you cannot have a successful marriage and family life. But you must prepare now if you want to succeed later. 

You know this is true with other areas of your life.  How many of you are preparing now to be successful later in a specific career? (All hands go up!)

How many of you who played high school sports started in sports as a five- or six-year-old?

(Lots of hands go up.)

Y4        I started playing soccer when I was three. 

Rob     Of course you did. Your parents were preparing you to succeed in high school sports by having you begin developing the basic skills for success years earlier. They did the same thing to help you succeed in college by reading to you from the time you were born, and they probably sent you to a pre-school.

It’s not too late for you to prepare now to be successful spouses and parents later. Think about it.  What preparations can you do now to help you succeed later in love/marriage and as a parent? (The focus of Part II.)

The St. Joseph Angelus

Leader  The angel of the Lord said, “Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary your wife into your home…

All  … for it is through the Holy Spirit that this child has been conceived in her.” Blessed Saint  Joseph, husband of Mary, come to my aid, especially in times of anguish and difficulty.

Leader  “She will bear a son and you are to name him Jesus…

All   …because he will save his people from their sins.” Blessed Saint Joseph, husband of Mary, come to my aid, especially in times of anguish and difficulty.

Leader  “Behold, the virgin shall be with child and bear a son…

All  … and they shall name him Emmanuel, which means ‘God with us.’” Blessed Saint Joseph, husband of Mary, come to my aid, especially in times of anguish and difficulty.

(Conclude with Grace if prayed before a meal or with the following:)

Leader: Let us pray. All: Pour forth, we beseech you, O Lord, your grace into our hearts; that we to whom the Incarnation of Christ, your Son, was made known by the message of an angel, may by his Passion and Cross be brought to the glory of his Resurrection through the same Christ our Lord. Amen.

By Robert Fontana

I love you, O beautiful tree of Christmas. You enrich my life and the lives of all who gaze upon you in wonder and delight.

Your coming was awaited with childlike anticipation. And when you arrived, the busyness of the house stopped so all could welcome you. Treats were shared and wine was poured as you took your place in the corner of the family room, an honored guest.

You are lovely in your simplicity. Still, we dressed you with a string of lights that glow like fireflies in the night. Then your magic began, for it seems you are some sort of mystical portal to the past. I can see my father toasting his sons with a glass of Mogan and David and my mother, cigarette dangling from her mouth, laying tinsel strand by strand on the Christmas tree of my childhood.

Other memories emerge as we grace your branches with ornaments, some homemade, some gifted, some in honor of the holy event we commemorate, and some as playful as a toy plane, a doll, or an elf from Santa’s workshop. With each adornment, stories are shared. With each sharing, new images from the past flow around us: cousin Wade running in from the outside delirious with joy; my brothers in their red Boys Choir blazers preparing for midnight Mass; and friends gathered around the piano to sing “Sister Mary Had a-But One Child” to Mom’s accompaniment.

O Christmas Tree, I see in you all the Christmas trees of my past, from the great pine my brother John and I cut down and dragged into the family living room, to the silver one that shone brightly at Grandma’s house, to the very first tree of our marriage, a “tree” that Lori and I created from cast-off boughs collected at the Christmas tree lot because we could not afford even the $10 for the smallest tree.

We have gathered our children around you, and now our grandchildren, all in memory of the God of love who sent us Jesus to teach us how to love. You, O Christmas Tree, have been a sacrament of this season, a source of beauty and unity of past and present. And like the Christ-child who will give his life for all of creation, you give your life so that we may celebrate these days in the grace of your presence.

I do love you, O Christmas Tree, and I thank you!