Troubadour, February 2011
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Growing Up Prayers
by Kristin White
At bedtime all of our kids are given the opportunity to say their own prayers. Grace always says the same ones, “For my Katie and Papa Steve” (her godparents). Micah usually prays for a lot of things and includes “that Papa John has good cancer.” Jonah’s prayers are always thoughtful. And with Daniel you never really know, sometimes they take five or ten minutes, or sometimes he just says one. Last night he just had one, “I pray that I never grow up.”
When he hugged me a few minutes later he whispered into my ear, “I meant my prayer, I don’t want to grow up.” I replied and then whispered back into his ear, “I don’t want you to ever grow up either.” By the next day he was back to wanting to be a priest just like Father Steve, “Because he has three dogs!”
Lately I’ve become acutely aware of how fast time is passing. How fast my kids are growing up. I find myself praying that time will slow a bit or that I can at least remember these sweet moments. I love their openness to prayer and hope that as they change and mature that it will remain a part of their lives.
Jonah, my oldest and the realist and planner of the family, knows he is growing up and likes to talk possible career moves. For a long time he wanted to be a police officer like his Dad, mostly because of the duty belt. “All those tools Mom, right at your finger tips!” He’s also mentioned he’d like to be a carpenter, “There are saws involved. And also it looks dangerous.” But the one resounding career he has wanted to be is a firefighter, but it’s not just because it is cool. His godfather Dominic is one.
Chris and I take the decision of picking godparents very seriously. We prayed for a long time about Jonah’s godfather. The godmother role was easily snapped up by one of the holiest, most faithful friends we had, but the godfather role was a hard one. But we kept going back to Dominic, a friend of ours from youth ministry days. He is funny, personable, and also the most passionate person we had ever known. He is a great godfather.
About a year ago Dom called to talk to Jonah and then asked to talk to me. He asked if there was anything I thought Jonah needed prayer for. I told him the first thing that came to my head: I asked to pray for Jonah to be brave. My Jonah is a tender soul. Last year he encountered his first experiences with the unfairness of life, mean kids, and bullies. I wanted him to have the courage to know he could stand up for himself, because as hard as I try I can’t shield him from the harshness of the real world.
And I knew Dom would follow through, because not only is he a man of his word, he knows how important it is to be brave. He is a devoted husband to an amazing wife who battles severe fibromyalgia every day, and a Dad to his own four kids. And he is brave. On his first day as a firefighter he saved a woman and baby off the top floor of a burning building. And that was just the first day.
Months passed; I saw my Jonah grow more confident and brave. We encouraged him and prayed for him. Two days before Christmas a huge box arrived from his godfather. On Christmas morning, we allowed him to open his box. Inside was a note. The edge had been torn by the teething gums of Jonah’s godsister, Lily, but the note was an explanation of the gift. The gift was a retired real live firefighter suit, including the turn-outs, the gas mask, the helmet, the flashlight, the gloves. Everything. On the back of the helmet was the name Jonah. I watched my son get dressed and read the instructions carefully, seriously. It was undeniably the best gift my son could have ever received. Dom wrote that he knew a “brave” kid needed it, and Jonah wore it with such pride every day for the rest of the break.
And I was reminded once again, how great our God is. God knew exactly who should help us lead our children to Him. I am grateful for that. Because things like this really do have a lasting effect on our kids, and on us. I thought about how often I’ve thought that someday long after I’m gone I’ve wanted people to remember that I was reliable.
But something Jonah said to me a week after he received his firefighter suit really stuck with me. We had just finished night prayers and Jonah had said he was thankful for his godparents. After we were done I said to him, “You sure are blessed that your godfather got that suit for you.” And he replied, “That’s not why I’m thankful. I’m thankful because I know they pray for me.”
So maybe when I grow up I should want to be remembered as someone who was reliable at prayer — especially for my own kids, their godparents and our godchildren. Prayer works. My kids are growing up, and life continues on, but faith never grows old… In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Aunt Flossie’s Funeral, and Why I am Still Catholic
by Robert Fontana
I recently received a call from a friend who asked if I would speak to a man who had been abused as a 12 year old by two priests who once served at my home parish in Yakima. I said, “Of course!” and I told her that she could give him my number. José called me about a week later and said in a rather gruff voice, “I don’t know why I’m calling you, but our mutual friend said that I should. Why should I talk to you?”
I was a little taken aback by his combativeness, but said that I was an active Catholic who, along with my wife, felt a personal mission to reach out to survivors of sexual abuse and their families in the Catholic Church. I told him that I would be glad to meet with him just to chat; he agreed.
We met at his small apartment out in the country. I could tell that he was wary of me and that I would have to gain his trust. He gave me tea and we talked in generalities about where we had both come from. Then he began to tell me his story. He and his family were very close to the Jesuits who staffed St. Joseph’s Church in the ’50s and ’60s. “The Fathers were good to me and I was very happy to help them around the church with chores, and serve as their altar boy.”
That happy story began to unravel as he told me the sordid tale of one of the priests who had isolated him, touched him in uncomfortable ways, rewarded him for keeping their secret, and then finally sexually abused him. As if this was not bad enough, another visiting priest did the same thing.
When he finished talking, José looked at me and demanded to know, “How can you stay Catholic when you know what happened to me and so many other children in this evil empire of Roman Catholicism?” That seemed to be the burning question for him: my Catholicism.
I said, “José, it’s hard to understand, isn’t it, that someone like me could remain Catholic while knowing one horrific tale after another of a minister in the Catholic Church, whether it be a priest, nun, or layman, abusing a child, or a bishop protecting a pedophile while ignoring the victim.”
And then I told him about my wife’s Aunt Flossie, who died recently. She was Lori’s godmother, and the family asked us to do the music for the funeral. It was at a small rural church in the northeast corner of the state. The funeral rite was so simple, but so beautiful — the welcoming of Aunt Flossie’s coffin at the back of the church; the family processing with the coffin into the church; the reading of Scripture and receiving Communion; and finally the lovely prayers of commending Aunt Flossie to God through the care of the Saints and Martyrs — “Saints of God come to our aid…” and then the incensing of the coffin by the priest. It was all so simple and so beautiful, and it drew me close to God.
“That’s why I stay Catholic, because the rituals, prayers, and symbols draw me close to God,” I explained. “In spite of all the awful hurt that pedophiles have caused children and the lies that so many Church leaders have told, there is something beautiful and true about this faith that demands I be authentic, truthful, compassionate, and grateful. So I stay. I try to work for change, but I do stay.”
José, very sadly, said, “I want that faith. I want those rituals and prayers. I miss them so much, and I need them now in my life! But I cannot ever trust myself to those priests.”
We were both quiet for a long moment. Then I said, “You have so much hurt and bitterness, José, and I do not want to stop you from seeking justice for what was done to you. But you will never know peace until you forgive those men who robbed you of your faith and childhood. Forgive them, not for their sake, but for your sake.”
We talked some more about forgiveness, Jesus, the Church, and sexual abuse, and then I left.
These days, I am often asked variations of the question, “How can I be Catholic?”—and not just from the survivors. Traditional Catholics demand to know how I can stay Catholic when I’m so critical of Church leaders, and friends who no longer have confidence in the Church ask, like José, “How can you stay in this Church?” I understand the demand from both sides for an answer, a real answer that will respond to their angst. I tell them, “Aunt Flossie’s funeral.”
Discover the Amazing Gift of Your Marriage
These comments are from the recent workshop we did in San Antonio, Texas. For more information about CLM’s commitment to building strong marriages, visit our Work on Your Marriage Website at www.workonyourmarriage.org
“There was nothing that I did not like about this weekend. I am going to practice the skills that we learned, especially ‘taming the tongue’ and communicating clearly.”
“I feel so optimistic because I have seen and learned new ways to listen to my wife’s needs and concerns.”
“I feel blessed because I know that we will not only grow with God at the center but, with these tools, we can learn to work through our problems.”
“I am so encouraged that we have new tools to strengthen our marriage.”
“We were able to identify areas of our married life that are strong: our shared faith, friendship, regular practice of forgiving one another, and in raising children. We need some work on ‘taming the tongue’ and being better at listening.”
“This retreat was fantastic. I know now what we need to fix and how to do it. I will listen to my spouse without being defensive!”
“We need to work on a lot of areas in our marriage, but we were given communication skills that work and time to practice them!”
“We have learned that we are strong in our shared faith, friendship, vows, forgiveness, and marital communion. But we need to work on being better listeners, managing our money, and ‘taming the tongue.'”
“I feel very comforted knowing that we share a common goal for making our marriage stronger.”
“After 48 years of marriage I can still learn something. I learned how to speak to my spouse with the goal of simply understanding one another.”
“The retreat was too short and I would encourage other couples to ATTEND!”
Bring “Discover the Amazing Gift of Your Marriage” to your church or community by calling Robert at 509-731-6012 or attend the workshop nearest you. Workshop dates: March 12 & 25 in Everett, WA and April 30 & May 15 in Lynnwood, WA.
