A Mother’s Day Special: Grandma Effie’s Sex Advice
May 2010
A Mother’s Day Special: Grandma Effie’s Sex Advice
I can already hear you readers saying, “What does “Sex” have to do with Mother’s Day?” Well, let me start by not pointing out the obvious, but with our recent men’s retreat that was SUPER!
As you can imagine, when you get 30 men together for a weekend, the topic will eventually turn towards sex. The whole weekend wasn’t about sex, but the part that was about sex seemed to get the most interest even over topics like…well…“Your deepest identity is found in God!” and “New insights into the parable of the prodigal son.” That’s because men, even those who are religious and happily married, are REALLY, REALLY, REALLY interested in sex!
The men were asked a very easy, straightforward question by our celibate presenter, who seemed to know a lot more about the sexuality of women than he should have: “How do you speak to your wives about sex?”
There was silence.
Finally this very well-educated man sitting up front raised his hand and said, “I don’t. I mean we do “it,” but we do not talk about it.” There were grunts and mumbles from around the room saying basically the same thing, “I DO NOT TALK TO THE MOTHER OF MY CHILDREN ABOUT OUR SEX LIFE BECAUSE IT IS TOO PRIVATE, ESPECIALLY FOR HER!”
(The man from Montana was an exception.)
That brings me to Grandma Effie, my mother’s mom who (and I am not making this up) told my mother before she got married,
“It is a sin for women to enjoy sex in marriage. Men can enjoy sex because they’re weak!”
(YIKES! Try to get over that hurdle and have a healthy sex life in your marriage. She was right about the men, though.)
But sadly, Grandma Effie is not alone in her view of sex in marriage. I’ve talked to hundreds of couples at marriage workshops and retreats. So many of the wives from strong religious backgrounds have similar attitudes about sex: SEXUAL PLEASURE IS A sIN… or… NAUGHTY, AND WELL… DIFFICULT TO ENJOY… EVEN IN MARRIAGE!
Poor Effie, she was a victim of a Catholic version of Puritanism that saw anything pleasurable as sinful, including chocolate cake. Of course, the Church has not been particularly helpful in this matter because we hold up as our model for married love a virgin who conceived a child by the power of God, and who had a loving, though sexless marriage to a Jewish carpenter.
Now, I pray the rosary almost daily, and I think how Joseph welcomed Mary as his wife after learning of her pregnancy took great courage, but please, let’s not hold them up as a model for married love. No, married love is not only about sex, but a healthy sex life is extremely important to a healthy married life. And sexual pleasure is one of those essential God-given ingredients in love-making.
Truly, who would do “it” if “it” was not pleasurable?
Thank goodness that Mom, with the help of her energetic Italian husband who apparently had no qualms about enjoying sex, ditched Grandma Effie’s wisdom somewhere during her 39 years of marriage. My brothers and I know this because we all attended the now infamous triple XXX rated Catholic men’s breakfast that happened to follow my father’s funeral at which Mom was the guest speaker and she talked about, yes, HER SEX LIFE WITH DAD!
“Love your wives no matter the cost, no matter the challenge, love them; this is what Tony did for me. And we made love in the back office, the bedroom, the living room sofa, and even outside!”
AGH, MOM, STOP! WE’VE HEARD TOO MUCH!
She urged the men to go home and make love to their wives, and they did. I mean, I assume they did, because the room cleared out like stampeding bulls and my brothers and I were left alone with Mom to stare at the ceiling.
So Mom got over her qualms about enjoying sex in marriage, and, if you have them, you can too. There’s a lot more I could say about this, but this is a G-rated column. Send us your prayer intentions, and eat some chocolate cake guilt-free with God’s blessing.
Happy Mother’s Day!
